Your Teen Still Needs You—Even When They Push You Away
Adolescence is a wild and beautiful ride—for both kids and parents. One day your tween is laughing with you in the car, the next they’re storming off to their room over what feels like nothing. You’re not alone if you’ve found yourself wondering, “Who is this kid, and what happened to the sweet child I used to know?”
As a therapist and founder of Grow and Glow Child Therapy LA, I’ve supported hundreds of children, teens, and families through the often messy, emotional, and transformative process of growing up. And here's what I want every parent to know: Even when your teenager pulls away, rolls their eyes, or slams their door, they still need you deeply.
The disconnect so many parents feel during this stage isn’t a failure—it’s a developmental transition. And with the right tools and insights into the adolescent brain, it’s possible to strengthen—not strain—your connection.
The Teen Brain: Under Construction
If you’ve ever thought, "What were they thinking?"—you’re not alone. That confusion has a scientific explanation.
The teenage brain is still developing. One of the last areas to mature is the prefrontal cortex, the region responsible for impulse control, planning, and logical decision-making (Casey, Jones, & Somerville, 2011). This “CEO” of the brain doesn’t reach full maturity until the mid-to-late 20s (Giedd, 2004). Meanwhile, the limbic system, the emotional center of the brain, is already fully active—and highly influential.
This creates a unique brain dynamic: a fast-moving emotional engine with not-yet-installed brakes. Big emotions, risky behavior, and impulsive reactions aren’t personal attacks on your parenting—they're part of a neurological renovation project.
This can help explain why your teen might react with what seems like over-the-top emotion to minor stressors or why they make choices that feel confusing or unsafe. Their emotional brain is in the driver’s seat, while the logical brain is still learning how to navigate.
Why Dopamine and Peer Approval Matter So Much
Another key piece of the puzzle? Dopamine: the brain chemical associated with pleasure and reward.
During adolescence, the brain’s reward system becomes extra sensitive to dopamine (Galván, 2010). Things like social media likes, peer approval, or even risky behavior light up the brain’s reward center far more intensely than they would for a child or adult.
In fact, brain imaging shows that when teens are around peers—even silently—they are more likely to take risks (Chein et al., 2011). This doesn’t mean peers are “bad influences.” It means their brains are biologically wired to prioritize social belonging, exploration, and identity formation during this phase.
THE BASICS
That’s why your teen might care more about what their friends think than what you say—and why they may seem addicted to screens or devastated by a single critical comment from a friend.
Your Role Hasn’t Disappeared—It’s Evolved
Even though your teen is more peer-oriented, they are still deeply bonded to you. The myth that teens don’t need their parents anymore is just that—a myth.
Here’s the truth: Your teen still needs you to be their emotional anchor.
Even as they test boundaries, assert independence, or seem withdrawn, they’re looking to you for co-regulation, safety, and a place to land when things feel overwhelming (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). The attachment system doesn't suddenly shut down at puberty—it just changes form.
For example, I often hear from parents: “She used to tell me everything. Now I have to pull teeth to get one-word answers.” While this shift can be painful, it’s developmentally normal. What matters is how we respond when they do open up, how we stay available, and how we model emotional regulation ourselves.
From Manager to Consultant: Shifting Your Parenting Approach
If the pre-teen years were about guiding and overseeing every detail, adolescence is about loosening control while still providing structure.
One of the most effective mindset shifts I recommend is moving from manager to consultant.
Manager says: “You need to get off that game now and do your homework.”
Consultant asks: “What’s your plan for homework tonight?”
This subtle shift respects their growing autonomy while still offering support and guidance. It encourages problem-solving and self-reflection, two key skills their brains are still developing.
Another tool I love using in therapy is the Pause Button—a strategy for teaching emotional regulation.
Emotions like anger and anxiety typically peak for about 90 seconds unless we mentally "replay" or fuel them (Taylor, 2006). Teaching teens that these waves will pass can help them feel more in control. Introduce physical resets like splashing cold water, taking a short walk, or breathing exercises to ground their nervous systems.
Practical Tools for Daily Connection
Connection doesn’t always come from deep conversations. Often, it’s built in small, everyday moments. Here are some strategies I encourage parents to use:
Side-by-Side Moments: Teens open up more when the pressure to make eye contact is removed—think car rides, walking the dog, or folding laundry together.
Co-Regulation First: Before responding to their behavior, take a breath and regulate yourself. Your calm becomes their calm.
"Name It to Tame It": Help teens label their feelings: “You seem disappointed. Want to talk it out?”
Reflect Instead of React: Mirror their words and emotions before problem-solving. This builds trust.
Join Their Interests: Even if it’s gaming or TikTok trends, stepping into their world with curiosity builds connection (and releases dopamine for both of you!).
Create Rituals: Weekly check-ins, family dinners (even short ones), or quirky traditions can strengthen attachment and increase oxytocin—the bonding hormone.
When Things Get Hard: Staying Calm Through the Storm
Real parenting is messy. You might discover your teen has a secret Instagram account, hid a failing grade, or is vaping with friends. These moments are tough—and they also open the door for connection.
Instead of leading with punishment, lead with curiosity. Try:
“Help me understand what was going on.”
“What were you hoping would happen?”
“What do you need from me right now?”
These questions invite dialogue, not defensiveness. They model emotional intelligence and signal that you're a safe person to turn to, even in failure.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Be Perfect—Just Present
Raising a teenager isn’t about having all the right answers. It’s about being a consistent, calm presence through the ups and downs. Your teen might not say, “Thank you for grounding me when I snuck out,” but they will remember that you stayed calm when they were falling apart. That you listened more than you lectured. That you believed in them even when they didn’t believe in themselves.
So the next time your teen slams their door or snaps at you, take a breath. Softly say, “I’m still here.” Then show them with your presence, your patience, and your love.
They still need you—and they always will.