The Importance of 'Glow Back' Moments After Arguments
Key points
Glow Back Moments rebuild trust after conflict and ensure kids feel unconditionally loved.
Repairing after conflict transforms shame into resilience, shaping healthy emotional patterns.
Simple, consistent repair signals that mistakes don't equate to rejection, fostering safety.
You’ve just had a blowout with your child or teen. Maybe voices were raised and doors slammed, or you said something you didn’t mean. Your nervous system is fried. Theirs is too. The moment passes, but the silence lingers.
You might think, They just need space, or They know I didn’t mean it. But here’s the truth: What happens next is what matters most.
These are the moments I call Glow Back Moments (inspired by the name of my private practice: Grow and Glow Child Therapy LA)—the small, intentional acts of repair that help kids feel safe again. They’re about coming back after the conflict, with warmth, reflection, and accountability. It’s a concept rooted in the neuroscience of attachment, and it has the power to transform your relationship with your child.
What Is a Glow Back Moment?
A Glow Back Moment is when a parent says, “That didn’t feel good. Let’s talk about it.” It’s when you return to your child—not to lecture, but to reconnect. It’s not about fixing the behavior right away. It’s about naming the rupture and offering emotional safety.
You’re saying:
“Even when things are messy, our relationship matters. You matter.”
These moments don’t have to be long or scripted. They can be a quiet, “I got upset earlier, and I’m sorry I yelled,” or an “I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” They signal that love is unconditional, even when things get hard.
Why Glow Back Moments Matter: The Brain Science
1. Adolescents Feel Deeply—Before They Can Regulate Fully
During childhood and adolescence, the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain) develops ahead of the prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic, impulse control, and reflection) (Blakemore & Choudhury, 2006). That means kids and teens feel everything intensely but lack the neural wiring to calm themselves down or make sense of big feelings in the moment.
When a parent reacts with anger or withdrawal, a child’s brain often interprets that moment as a relational threat, triggering a fight-or-flight response (Siegel, 2012). Without repair, that moment can become embedded as a shame memory.
But when a Glow Back Moment happens, the child’s parasympathetic nervous system is reactivated. Connection re-regulates. Co-regulation becomes internalized regulation over time.
2. Attachment Shapes the Brain
Relationships literally shape the brain. According to attachment theory and interpersonal neurobiology, the quality of early caregiving experiences influences a child’s internal working model for how safe or unsafe relationships feel (Bowlby, 1988; Siegel, 1999).
Consistent repair after conflict builds secure attachment—a protective factor against anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. As psychologist Ed Tronick’s "Still Face Experiment" showed, even brief disconnection can distress a child—but repair is what reestablishes safety and trust (Tronick et al., 1978).
3. Repair Interrupts Shame and Builds Resilience
Without repair, many kids create private stories like:
“I’m too much.”
“My parent is mad because of me.”
“I ruin everything.”
Glow Back Moments help rewrite that narrative:
“Yes, we had a hard moment. But I still love you. We’re OK.”
This simple act of returning—of being accountable and safe—prevents shame from taking root. And this matters, because unrepaired shame in childhood doesn’t just stay in childhood.
When Shame Carries Into Adulthood
Many adults who grew up without consistent emotional repair carry a lingering belief that conflict equals rejection or that mistakes mean they are unworthy. This early internalized shame often shows up in relationships through:
Fear of being vulnerable
People-pleasing or emotional shutdown
Difficulty apologizing or receiving feedback
Chronic self-blame or perfectionism
A deep belief: “If I upset someone, they’ll leave me.”
These patterns aren’t personality flaws. They’re protective responses the brain developed to survive disconnection.
Glow Back Moments, then, are not just good parenting—they’re preventive mental health care. They give children an internal template that says: “It’s OK to mess up. Love comes back.” That message becomes a lifelong gift.
How to Do a Glow Back Moment
You don’t need to say it perfectly. You just need to show up.
1. Pause and Reflect
Regulate yourself first. Take a few deep breaths. Ask: What just happened, and what did my child experience?
2. Come Back Gently
Use a soft tone: “Hey, I wanted to talk about earlier…”
3. Take Responsibility
Focus on your part. “I got frustrated and raised my voice. That probably felt scary.”
4. Ask About Their Experience
“What was that like for you?” Even if they shrug or say “fine,” the door is open.
5. Reassure Connection
“Even when we argue, I love you. We’ll figure it out together.”
This is how trust is built—in small, consistent moments over time.
What Glow Back Moments Are Not
They’re not lectures.
They’re not disguised punishments.
They’re not only for toddlers or teens.They’re not about being perfect. They’re about being present.
The Glow That Lasts
In my work with children and teens, what they remember most isn’t the perfect vacation or winning the game. It’s the time a parent came back. The moment their dad said, “I overreacted, and I’m sorry.” Or when their mom said, “I shouldn’t have walked away. Let’s try again.”
Glow Back Moments don’t just smooth over conflict. They teach kids that relationships are safe—even when they’re messy. That mistakes don’t mean rejection. That coming back is always possible.
And that glow? It lasts.
Final Thoughts
No one gets it right all the time. But when you choose to repair—not just react—you show your child what healthy love looks like. Glow Back Moments are simple, powerful, and deeply healing.
Let them light the way.